getting personal

i don't normally use this space to share things which could be considered personal. but i just have to proclaim God's goodness to us in these days, for it is so huge a work that our cup overfloweth.

growing up, i understood God's door-opening powers to be signed, sealed, and delivered acts; that is, i interpreted an open door to be open, and the fact that it was open meant that whatever greeted you at the welcome mat was, of course, what God had for you, no backing out now. i envisioned a door frame, standing wide open, with the picture of "God's particular will" in plain sight, as clear and colorful as day waiting for us just as we crossed the threshold. not only is the frame and all that lay inside wide open to the eye, but the pathway to the door frame is easily accessible and paved, clear of any stones or brush or gopher holes.

but this door frame has no door. there is no door, no handle, no lock, no deadbolt. only an open frame. and conveniently, since there happens to be no door, there can be no swinging of the hinges. that is to say, once God opens a door, He can (or does) never close it.

but in this past year, God has closed the doors that He Himself opened in the three biggest prayers of our young life right now (joe's vocation, a house, a baby). this has been so hard in many ways, because all of a sudden, God wasn't fitting into the box i had put Him in. how could God close the same door He just opened?? wouldn't He be working against Himself? and how frustrating! is God teasing us? is He playing with our emotions? and then i began to think, can i trust Him? yikes.

such hard questions, and scary thoughts, to have to think and process through. this year has been like the school of hard knocks for us, feeling like we had to learn all over again who God is and what our response to Him should be. but God has been to us more FAITHFUL and more KIND than we can fully know! but Jesus loves me, this I KNOW. this is what we have been learning: everything He does for us, who are in Christ, is for our good, because it is to His glory. He WILL and MUST manifest His righteousness, holiness, goodness, wisdom, and love. He cannot do otherwise. And because He can only be righteous and holy and good and wise and loving, everything He does for us through Christ will be only blessing (even though it may be physically, emotionally, or spiritually hard).

we have come now to know, and we have tasted, the truth that God works in mysterious ways. sometimes an open door becomes a closed one, and we may get our noses bonked as we faithfully try to walk through it. we may feel sheepish, or confused. but it is the kindness of God that has gently shut the door upon our path, if only to show us so very materially His hand in our lives. and we are rewarded for our faithfulness. it is not in vain that we walk down a path that leads to a dead end, if that is where God has us walk. and then His love reminds us that He is not malicious. He will not give us a stone when we ask for bread. we are being faithful if we obey His direction, and we cannot arrive at a door in our face, and lift up our eyes and shake our fist at God that He led us here. we must remember that we are as sheep, blind and stupid and clumsy, and if it weren't for Him, we would follow our stomachs to death, being satisfied with stones instead of the living bread.

and then, God gives us hindsight, and we fall on our knees in tearful gratitude for His protection, His forsight, His power, and His love in that very circumstance which we thought we understood to be the "perfect" open door, and which, if it had stayed open, would have become our ruin.